Warning! Spoilers Ahead!
Don’t Read Until You’ve Seen Giraffes!
The Long Necks Are Back! Or Are They…?
Giraffes are what happens when evolution takes a wrong turn and is too afraid to pull over and ask for directions. I get it; brontosauruses were cool, but this is just a cheap remake living off of nostalgia not nearly capturing the imagination and wonderment of the original and proving earth is completely out of fresh ideas. Let’s face it, Alan Grant isn’t rocking up to a tower of giraffes in 28 billion years and gazing in wonderment at their majestic beauty.
When Chaos Theory goes wrong.
This is the story of a lowly camel who gazed up at the tree tops like they were top shelf whiskey and thought, “The grass is always greener when you’re not eating grass.” Many animals before it have been seduced by the green side and made the switch to an all tree diet. Pandas were once actual, Revenant style, rip-your-face-off bears that decided to adopt a life of pacifism, grow a thumb and roll around munching bamboo while not mating. One day a wombat climbed into a eucalyptus tree, became a koala, and started living the tree top version of a Florida retirement village spreading chlamydia to one another like it was avocado on toast—the main reason a group of koalas is now referred to as a round of applause.
A rare glimpse of a koala key party after finishing the 2nd bottle of wine.
Even some humans have parachuted down from the peak of the food chain to resign themselves to only eating kale and iron supplements. But only giraffes decided it was a good idea to Stretch Armstrong their limbs and neck to feast on the tree tops.
While their height does protect them from girls on Tinder saying they’re not a real man, it comes with way more disadvantages than any number of swipe rights could assuage. First and most obviously, they’re massive, and therefore, super obvious. Giraffes can be spotted by predators from miles away. Monkeys and birds hide in treetops while eating treetops—the smarter approach to the arboreal lifestyle—while giraffes have decided to adopt the same mantra as any 16 year old white girl who’s ever been made fun of, “it’s better to stand out than blend in.” The only problem being that while Bland Hathaway could “literally” die right now because another girl wore the same shirt as her, a giraffe could literally die right now because it’s surrounded on all sides by thousands of pounds of hungry teeth and claws wanting a table for four at that 17 ft tall walking Golden Corral. Plus, as Yao Ming proved, being tall doesn’t make you less injury-prone.
Necks are the real life equivalent of the big glowing weak spots found on any Zelda boss. This makes giraffes the training dummies of the African Savanah. They’re the tutorial, the section of the game you’re handheld through before you’re sick of all of Navi’s commands. Giraffes even took another massive step into Glass Joe territory by making their necks their main offensive weapon. Ever see soccer players line up to block a free kick? You’re supposed to guard your weak spot, not lead with it.
Proof CTE is an evolutionary concern
Animals need two things to survive: food and water. Giraffes decided to make the latter of those exceedingly difficult by putting their heads as far away as possible from any water source. Due to a lack of straws on the savannah since reusable plastics were banned, in order to drink, giraffes are forced to bend over spread eagle into an awkward half split like a 43-year old stuck in downward dog during their first ever sun salutation. Basically pinning a Kick Me sign on their rumps that any lion or crocodile would happily pounce on.
Good. Now control your breathing.
Giraffes are proof a reboot is never as good as the original. With a lack of any real purpose outside of being the base of a lion pyramid scheme during “I Just Can’t Wait to be King”, giraffes lack the substance or characterization to entertain anyone over the age of 11. They’ve also failed in the business world, running the world’s largest toy store into the ground. Sticking to their motto of “I don’t wanna grow up” would’ve made much more sense than trying to impress by being the world’s tallest animal. Like Icarus, they flew a little too close to the sun and it’s hubris that brought them back down to earth.
For his comeback tour, Geoffrey changes his name to Jim Giraffigan
Rating: I give giraffes 2 Thumbs and 6 Forefingers Up out of a possible 58 Stars. Great to see if you have kids and want them quiet for an hour, but maybe wait until it comes out on DVD.
Earthquakes & Alligators 