There is no GPS in life that will tell you in a pleasant British accent to make a U-Turn. Often you only discover you took a wrong turn at Albuquerque after you’ve already plummeted head long into a lake. Use this helpful survival guide to recognize the signs that will keep you on the straight and narrow and off the highway to hell.
1. Do Not Enter
A surefire sign that lets you know you’re headed onto an off ramp and about to be playing a high speed game of chicken. What makes this sign difficult is it makes you read three seperate words, while driving, at speed, into oncoming traffic. You’re already in trouble and now someone handed you a book to read. Not cool, sign. Instead, remember this helpful trick: red = for the love of God, please stop; something the Washington Redskins will never seem to figure out. If you see a red sign, just imagine a coral snake, Darth Vader’s lightsaber, or Rick Astley’s hair and turn around and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
It’s time to give you up and let you down.
2. Bridge Out
Thankfully, this sign has 33% less words than a Do Not Enter sign. However, these signs can be red, orange, yellow, black or white, just like the little children of the world that Jesus loves, meaning you’re forced to actually read this time. This sign means ahead of you the road will stop abruptly before a body of water or chasm that you will Wile E. Coyote your way off of if you don’t turn back. You may see this sign and see visions of glory stampede through your head and feel the temptation well up inside of you to ramp off of this bridge into the great unknown, so now is a good time to remind you that you’re not the physics-defying blockbuster duo of Sandra Bullock driving a bus while being cheered on by Keanu Reeves and you never will be, so don’t risk it.
Physics: “Hold my beer.”
3. Gary, Indiana
Your car has enough gas to make it to the next exit. Trust me.
4. Beware of Dog
Most dogs like pets on the head and scritches behind the ear. These dogs will only let you pet them on the inside of their mouths. It’s advised to also not trust and give a wide berth to anyone who owns a cat.
5. Beware of Owner
The likelihood that this person will actually shoot you provided you’re not not caucasian is pretty slim. But they will try to talk to you about Fox News, how abolishing the estate tax will actually help low income families stop milking the welfare system, and at least once they’ll use the phrase “I’m not racist, but…” followed by something super racist, like how the name Washington Redskins actually empowers Indians.
6. Kansas River Crossing
Friends don’t let friends ford the river. Look around. Take a ferry. Build a bridge. Find a raft. Give up on your hopes and dreams and just settle there like everyone else who’s ever lived in Kansas. Just never ever attempt to ford the river.
7. Subway
Repeat after me, “You’re not that hungry.” A foot of depression on a bun for $5 is not a good deal. You’re better than this. You’ll turn it around. I believe in you. Don’t make a decision that’s only going to hurt you more in the end. She wasn’t right for you anyways. You’re better off without her. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea. And most of them can be found in Subway’s tuna salad. Honestly, you may be better off eating food you’ve found on the ground in an actual subway. If video games have taught the world anything, food you find laying on the ground and in trash cans restores health and stops bullet wounds from getting septic.
8. Welcome to Florida
Just turn around.
Earthquakes & Alligators 