Warning: it’s in tents
Nothing beats the rustic wholesomeness of the great outdoors—except possibly air conditioning and not having to skin and gut your own food. Getting in touch with your primal side and sitting around a campfire arguing about the best way to toast a marshmallow even though everyone knows s’more Pop-Tarts are way better than the real thing is not without its dangers, however. You’re surrounded by woods full of bears, bugs, and people high on shrooms hoping you’ll join their drum circle and you never know when maybe you should’ve let the call of the wild go to voicemail. If it’s really important, wild will just text you. Stay safe with these tips guaranteed to help you survive a night under the stars.
Don’t harsh his vibe, man
1. Take a Picture
A picture is worth a thousand words. But a picture taken while camping could be worth six very important words: “Holy sh*t we’re all gonna die!” The problem with cameras today is you’ll never spot the true dangers waiting to pounce with digital technology. You’ve got to get into the camping mindset and think primitive. Only a polaroid will work here. Snap a pick of all your friends, shake it like a relentlessly cheery Outkast song about divorce, and look closely at what develops. If any of your mates’ faces come out blurry or smudged or you notice a bloody ram’s skull in the background, for the love all all that is holy, run. Those are both surefire signs you’re about to get got by a Blair Witch. Found footage docudramas are the worst. Don’t let that be how you’re remembered.
The deadliest of Snapchat filters
2. Pen and Paper
Whether your friend passed out first at a party or you’re trying to give a guy at a bar a fake phone number in hopes he’ll leave you alone, you just never seem to have a pen handy when you need one. The same goes for survival situations. Too often people have fell victim to the embarrassment of having to debase themselves with the undignified act of smearing a message onto a wall using their own blood before they fall victim to the Slenderman who’s hot on their heels. Like a true Spartan, die with honor and leave a clear, easy to read, collated message for whatever group of teens comes along 30 years later to solve the mystery of the Hudson Valley Murders. Keeping a pen and notepad at the ready will increase your messaging speed when it matters most. Remember, you won’t have cell service or your phone will have died because horror movies in the 21st century can’t happen without either of those prerequisites, so, once again, think primitive, save time, and save a life with a handy “how to not get Slendered” note for all your friends. Bonus: pen and paper for the whole group comes with an added survival hack. If you notice any of your friends endlessly drawing a darker and darker circle or their paper is full of stick figures hanging from gallows but not accompanied by blank spaces and crossed out letters, you know it might be best to fake a stomach ache and head home.
J. Walter Weatherman: Survival Expert
3. A Mirror
If you’re thinking a mirror is simply a great hack for starting a fire in a pinch by reflecting sunlight, then hopefully you’re also using that mirror to make sure your eyebrows are on fleek for your funeral because outdoor survival is all about seeing beyond the clear and evident and being clever with the tools you’re given. You’re currently voluntarily sleeping outside in a place not even an Amazon Prime delivery drone could get to in two days or less, like the Fresh Prince, your life got flipped turned upside down. And when you’re dealing with strange things from the upside down, you’ve got to be able to see things from their perspective. There’s a reason Satan only leaves messages in records when you play them backwards. In a world that’s flipped, you need a mirror to see straight. How else will you know that redrum backwards is murder? That’s why breaking a mirror is bad luck. Without a mirror, your chance of survival decreases sevenfold. Plus, if you come across a stranger, check to see if they’ve got a reflection. If not, they’re a soulless creature from the great beyond and you’re about to be too if you don’t cheese it out of there.
Winona Ryder cares about two things: Will Byers, and stealing sweaters from Saks Fifth Avenue. You aren’t either
4. Your Passport
Dangers lurk everywhere when you’re roughing it and a passport is going to do much more than just help the coroner identify your corpse, especially since dental records are unreliable in a world without universal healthcare. Much like after winning the lottery, you never know what kind of foul beasts will come pouring out of the woodwork. If you ever find you’ve got a Sasquatch trailing you in hot pursuit, your best bet is to head south. Big Foot can’t follow you into Mexico. It’s out of his jurisdiction. That’s Chupacabra’s territory.
Chupacabra means what? I thought only the Scottish did that…
5. Life Straw
The original ultralight backpack and travel-friendly “straw” filter, the LifeStraw makes contaminated water safe to drink by removing bacteria and parasites, preventing the majority of waterborne disease. Use it to drink directly from streams and lakes, or fill up a container and use your LifeStraw to enjoy clean water on the go. The LifeStraw has unlimited shelf life and once opened can provide an individual with more than 5 years of safe drinking water.
Because we can’t all be goat suckers.
6. Your Grandma’s Sweater
A sweater is one of nature’s greatest survival tools. It protects from sun, cold, minor scrapes and cuts, and it looks great tied around your waist if you accidentally stumble into the background of an episode of Saved By the Bell. But it’s not just the warmth of this hand-knitted jumper that’s going to keep you safe. It turns out, monsters and strippers have more in common than only coming out at night and leaving you crying in a corner wondering how your life got to this point. They’ve also got mommy issues. Jason Voorhees was once stopped in his tracks by a blue knit sweater. If you really want to stay safe, raid your mom’s closet and throw on her lucky bingo tournament sweater and a pair of mom jeans. These accoutrements not only keep the forces of evil at bay, but they also act as great repellent for guys flirting with you in the canned vegetables aisle at the grocery store.
The only thing it won’t stop is Krampus
7. A Door
Everyone knows vampires only have two true weaknesses: doors and middle-aged women writing fan fiction about them. Hopefully you don’t have the latter with you on your backpacking outing, and if you do, may God have mercy on your soul. You may want to belay these hot camping tips and just embrace the sweet release of death. Barring that you’re not stuck with bargain bin Anne Rice on your side, your efforts are best left focusing on the vampire weakness of door. Everyone knows a vampire has to knock first and be invited into a home. They’re like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the underworld. (Update: After extensive research, our team has discovered that, in fact, Jehovah’s Witnesses are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the underworld. We apologize for the confusion.) The problem is, Count Knockula’s rule doesn’t apply to that flimsy little tent flap and zipper that’s the only thing protecting you from the elements. This loophole could lead too many neck holes. Be a modern day Van Helsing or Abraham Lincoln and drive a stake or split a rail right through the heart of their plans. While you’re installing your door, you may also want to think about surrounding it with some walls for extra fortification. And throw a roof on there, too, to help keep out the rain and not give free reign to any alien tractor beams. And to really maximize your safety, think about moving this fortification from the woods to a more populated area, like maybe a gated community on the outskirts of a large city in close proximity to a Target. And hook it up to an electrical grid while you’re at it. Now just add two cars and two kids and you’ve achieved the American dream: crippling debt. The slow killer.
Just say Nosferatu
Earthquakes & Alligators 